“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ― Lao Tzu

April is a big month for me this year. It marks the closing to a year of self discovery after being freed of a very negative anchor in my life. When I moved to Colorado, I allowed someone else to set my goals and expectations. Over my first year in the Rocky Mountains, this person continually told me I was not capable of achieving great things. He would tell me of wonderful travels in the Colorado Rockies, then he would tell me I wasn't capable of doing them. When I did accomplish something, he would remind me that it was a minor achievement in comparison to my peers.

Over time it becomes difficult to believe in yourself, when a person you care about repeatedly tells you that you aren't up to their standards. If you were friends with the person prior to dating, what makes it worse is you believe they really aren't the person you're seeing - you begin to blame yourself for their actions. In that 11 months, I lost myself. I stopped working out. I stopped setting goals. I stopped caring about new things. I stopped dreaming about adventure.

When the conversation came around that we needed to discuss our relationship, and make a decision about whether or not to work it out, I could not help but heed the warning signs. I opted to walk away. We had been friends for ten years before dating, and it wasn't easy; although, it did turn out to be the best decision I've made since moving to Colorado. It took a couple of months to muster up enough courage to venture out into the great wide open, but I found myself once I did.

“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.” ~ Gerard Way

Lesson 1: Choose your climbing partner wisely. When I refer to climbing, it is a combination of hiking, scrambling, and climbing. Finding a hiking a partner isn't all too hard in one of the most active cities in the U.S. Finding a partner that can do miles, elevation, and technical moves becomes a little more trying. Skill level is a big consideration, but even more so is the personality of your climbing partner.

Going into the mountains with some one that processes challenge differently than you can pose a problem when you're at 13,700', fighting winds, and working on route finding. Yelling at a climbing partner, and yelling to a climbing partner are very different. It is never acceptable to yell at your climbing partner. Find a partner that can push you the last 500' feet when you're mentally fighting yourself about going home to binge watch netflix.

This is my climbing partner, Nicole. From our first trip to the Sangres, to my first twelve foot whipper on the climbing wall, she's inspired me. She's faster, stronger, and better than me in the mountains, but she's always treated me as an equal. Here are some of our adventures from this past year:

Our first climb, Mt. Lindsey. It was a doozie (Nicole, I'm sorry I posted a helmet photo of you)

Ben (also a favorite in the mountains), myself, Nicole, and Byron on South Maroon. By far, my biggest/toughest day in the mountains to date. Incredibly thankful for my partners that day.

Nicole took this of me on Bross. Not a difficult route, but I'm not sure I would have made the summit that day if it wasn't for her encouraging me the entire way.

On top of Beirstadt. Not my first winter summit, but my first long winter summit. Not a lot of people are willing to hike 9+ miles and 3,000+ feet on a weekend (photo by Ryan Richardson).

Lesson 2: Push yourself, but be responsible. My first introduction to rock climbing, I use introduction loosely, was my ex giving me a 10 minute tutorial on his fireplace. Really, probably not the best idea. I'm very much a why and how to person. I need to understanding the inner workings to place my life in the hands of an activity. Also, I love learning new things. This is why being a member of the Colorado Mountain Club works so well for me.

I have a number of goals, and aspirations I want to accomplish. Both short and long, just ask me for my summer mountain goals sometime - I keep them on a piece of paper in my wallet. That piece of paper holds a few difficult goals, including two of the four great traverses. I'm really just aiming for one traverse, and I'll consider the second depending on where my abilities are later in the summer.

This is the responsible portion of Lesson 2. If you start out on an adventure on willy-nilly, gung-ho, mindset of an indestructible 18 year old male, you might be heading for trouble. A very valuable lesson I did learn from my ex, is to respect the mountains. Accidents happen all the time, and not just to young in-experienced climbers.

I have to push myself to get better, but if I'm going to head out on adventures and accomplish my goals, I need to know what I'm doing. In the last year, I've taken courses in rock climbing, avalanche (AIRE1), ice climbing, another ice climbing, and wilderness first aid. Coming up over the next couple of months will be spring mountaineering, technical snow travel, and trad climbing.

Basic Rock Climbing with the CMC. Trad school coming soon!

First big class 3 summit. Climbing with Ben (photo by Nicole).

Happy Birthday! Learning to ice climb outside of Estes Park. I didn't get what I needed from the class, so I took another.

Learning more about ice climbing with the CMC. Getting ready to top out in Silver Plume. Here's what you should know about this photo. I'm doing it better :-)

Lesson 3: Believe in yourself. I initially believed I wasn't worth much in regards to the climbing community. I was convinced that my n00b status (yes, I spelled that correctly), would hold permanent placement over me. How would I even amount to anything worthy of my peers? Why would they ever think to include me on their adventures? The questions of confidence pretty much snowballed in all directions from this for quite some time. It wasn't until I finally put myself out there, and just gave it a shot did I realize how frivolous my mindset had become.

I started with hiking, added climbing, pushed myself a little more every day, and I even started running again. This winter, I officially took up rock climbing. My favorite part about our gym is watching regulars. Like me, they struggle in the beginning, and with every step (pun intended), they progress. Rock climbing is a puzzle on the wall - a mind game, and you get to work out while you're completing it. Getting back my strength, getting strength I'd never had encouraged me to push more in other aspects of my life.

I wake up in the mornings thinking about my next adventure. I look around my apartment at the collection of gear overflowing from closets and bookcases, and I remind myself that I am somebody. Not because I go into the mountains on adventures, not because I lead climb over hung walls, not because I fit in a size 8, but simply because I believe in myself.

Sunrise summit on Gray's Peak. Summit 10 or 54 Colorado 14ers. An easy summit, but who cares...I had fun while doing it :-)

Fun with the family for Christmas in Pagosa Springs, CO.